I want to let you into a very little known secret: I am incredibly lazy. You might not realize this, given my frequent – if not obsessive – updates to this blog. In fact, I devote time to this enterprise that might be more profitably spent elsewhere. To give you an example of what I mean, I will attempt to post a timetable depicting my timeline earlier today:
5:00 ante meridian – Wake up, hit snooze button.
5:05 ante meridian – Wake up, hit snooze button.
5:10 ante meridian – Wake up, hit snooze button.
5:15 ante meridian – Wake up, hit snooze button.
5:20 ante meridian – Wake up, hit snooze button.
5:25 ante meridian – Wake up, hit snooze button.
[Process continues until]
5:34 am – Roll accidentally onto floor, wake up more or less definitively. Realize that I have slept too long. Get into shower.
5:35 am – Whilst in shower, alarm goes off. Beeping begins to drag me down an inevitable path toward insanity.
5:36 am – Attempt to throw bar of soap from shower in order to momentarily impair clock’s incessant beeping on bed-stand. Bar misses.
5:37 am – Submit to apathy and continue to bathe.
5:50 am – Clock finally turns off as I emerge from showery oblivion. Room begins to fill with steam.
5:51 am – Put on habit and attempt to run down to chapel to pray for at least a solid half-hour.
5:54 am – Get into chapel. Sit down in chair. Promptly fall asleep in chair.
6:25 am – Am being attacked by bear in a hovercraft.
6:26 am – Start out of chair in defensive posture and realize it was a dream.
6:27 am – Inevitable feeling of guilt over having wasted half-hour.
6:28 am – Realize that I need to light candles for Divine Office. Attempt to leap out of chair in a majestic parabola toward the altar candles. Instead, I trip over my feet and make massive clattering noise as I bump my rosary into a chair.
6:30 am – Matins (an hour of divine office) begins.
6:34 am – Slight thought of jellybeans. Good idea for blog begins to form. Quick suppression of said idea and resumption of paying attention.
7:00 am – Lauds (another such hour) begins.
7:05 am – Begin to imagine ordering food at Taco Bell within the context of a Broadway musical. Another pathetic attempt to focus.
7:25 am – Mass begins.
7:30 am – Offer distractions mentally for the Poor Souls in purgatory. Begin to imagine Dante singing a Lady Gaga song rewritten to be about the Purgatorio. Compose a few lines mentally. Quickly stop.
[Process continues until end of Mass]
8:15 am – Make mental prayer after Mass. Say Rosary. Keeps me undistracted for about 10 minutes.
8:20 am – Go upstairs to breakfast.
8:21 am – Valiant resolution in pursuance of temperance to have only tea.
8:22 am – See grits.
8:23 am – Get bowl.
8:24 am – Put grits in bowl.
8: 25 am – Sit down.
8:26 am – Put salt in grits.
8: 27 am – Put spoon in grits and stir thoroughly.
8:28 am – Put spoon full of yummy grits into my mouth.
8:29 am – Remember vague idea of having only tea. Begin to imagine a musical about tea. Declaim my idea to other brothers at the table in iambic pentameter. Initial look of confusion. Restatement of said lines set to a Lady Gaga song. Laughter ensues.
8:30 am – Finish grits.
8:35 am – Go upstairs to my room. Open laptop and begin to research medieval Byzantine vestments.
[This continues until 11 am]
11:01 am – Remember something about homework. Look for homework sheet. Find it under a copy of Denzinger and find that I need to read 5 papers by 5 pm.
11:02 am – Chuckle at said requirement and begin to read xkcd.com
[Continue until 1 pm]
1 pm – Remember homework while reading comic about Holy Roman Empire.
1-1:15 pm – Read 5 articles on Charlamagne
1:16 pm – Resume xkcd.com
2:33 pm – Realize that I can write something funny about my not having done any work over the past day.
2:59 pm – Finish writing blog entry and make self-referential comment about writing blog entry.
I hereby authorize all readers to go and do real work.
I, on the other hand, will now go read more about Orthodox deaconesses and the history of the use of black vestments while watching Rowan Atkinson videos on Youtube.
Yours in Christ,
Br. James Dominic, OP