I know some of you might have thought it entirely slipped my mind today, but I was well aware that today, the 18th of April in the Year of Our Lord Two-Thousand and Eleven, is Velociraptor Awareness Day!
As a consequence, I wanted to share with you some of my thoughts on such an auspicious occasion.
Rather than indulge in the harms of the velociraptor, I wanted to ponder on the particularly pertinent philosophical musings proper to my position as philosophe, as well as the theological theses I might have thematized.
Opposed to the atheist humanist, who can only see the existence of the Velociraptor as an occasion of unmixed evil – Velociraptors can accelerate 4 m/s2, with a top speed of 25 m/s on open terrain, 10 m/s while wounded, and 10 m/s in indoor laboratories – the religious Christian can contemplate the existence of the Velociraptor as an particular instance of God’s all-good creation. The Velociraptor is thus not entirely to be feared, but may be seen as something beautiful in its own way. We may contemplate, for instance, claw of the Velociraptor; up to 67 millimeters (2.6 in) long around its outer edge, his claw is a predatory device, used to tear into the prey, delivering a fatal blow, but nevertheless designed by God.
Think, for example, of the place of the Velociraptor in the ecosystem of tropical islands owned by eccentric billionaires: would not the world be overpopulated by Triceratops, Edmontasaurs, and Blood-Sucking Lawyers without the population control of the Velociraptor?
Is not God’s own nature reflected in the very behavior of such creatures, as God has taken care to ensuring that Velociraptors form a perfect equilateral triangle around their prey – a reflection of the idea of such geometric designs in the mind of God Himself?
God has truly ordered all things wisely, according to weight, measure, and carnivorous bipedal packs of dromaeosaurid theropods.
Be aware of the dangers Velociraptors pose: they remain the 3rd leading cause of death for men age 27-29. God gave us our intelligence to be masters and stewards of creation; being intelligent stewards is part of our role in the cosmos, especially in relation to Velociraptor-kind.
Here are some helpful, practical tips as to how you can be an intelligent steward and protect yourself from untoward Velociraptor attacks:
- Check all doors and windows. Doors should be made of solid oak or steel. Windows should have steel bars with spacing smaller than the average raptor.
- Make sure all entryways have adequate deadbolts. Quality deadbolts may be purchased at your local Home Depot.
- Always keep a loaded big-game rifle under your bed, and tire irons near every door. Remember, you should never be farther than 20 feet away from a tire iron.
But, in the end, we must not forget that even Velociraptors play a role in God’s plan:
“God saw all that He had made, and it was very good!” (Gen 1:31)
Yours in Christ,
Br. James Dominic, OP